ADVENTURES OF THE NEW SUPERMAN

By Robert P. Bomboy

I'm sure you know that President Trump has made his callow 36-year-old son-in-law, Jared Kushner, his senior adviser in the White House. Jared is being questioned by Senate investigators in the Russian interference case, and has become a person of interest for the FBI, but the President is sure it will all blow over. That's the reason he hasn't bothered to fill 491 of the 553 key jobs in his government.

Jared has so many responsibilities here and around the world that it's tempting to imagine his daily schedule, literally flying from one vitally important job to another, like Superman, or Walter Mitty, or Charlie Chaplin in the silent movie Modern Times, or all the characters together in the 50 best bad movies run at super-fast speed. Yes! If you have Jared Superman Kushner, you don't need a government.

            Millions admire Jared. President Trump says he's a good kid. I've heard there's even a radio show on a low-wattage station called the Adventures of the New Superman.

            Only Lois Lane knows that the mild-mannered Jared, who eats Subway sandwiches every day for lunch, is really the all-powerful, all-knowing visitor from another planet, the man of steel who can do anything, everything.

            Let's listen now as he checks today's schedule with Lois:

            "You have a busy day ahead, Jared:"

            "It's nothing, Lois, I'm saving the world. Let's wrap it up by three so I can get off to the slopes to ski."

            "You have to fly to Iraq, Jared, to straighten out that whole mess."

            "Won't take a minute, Lois. With my superpowers I can be there and back in time for an early lunch and my Subway sandwich. After Iraq, I'll fly to Jerusalem to negotiate Middle East peace. Shouldn't take more than half an hour, should it?"

            "You have a one o'clock meeting with the Drug Czar."

"I have a super idea for dealing with our drug problem. Let's just say it doesn't exist."

"After that, there's a meeting with your father-in-law's contractors building the Wall."

"There's some hidden costs in that, Lois."

"President Trump wants you to go to jail to reform the criminal justice system."

            "Say, Lois, let's put that on my schedule for tomorrow. Those prisoners wear tacky orange uniforms anyway."

            Before you go off to ski, Jared, the President wants you to stop by the White House and give him some important advice."

           

            "Yes, he's considering changing his hair color."

            "While you're there," Jared, "I guess you'll meet with that awful Steve Bannon."

            "He hasn't forgiven me for forgetting about our Unaffordable Care Act. Ooops, sorry, off to the slopes."

Jared steps into the bathroom, emerges in an instant in his red Superman cape and spandex, and swooshes out the window.

"It was probably 'cause they didn't have Jared they couldn't get the votes," Lois muses. "He never even seems to know I exist," she sighs. "But I love him. He's SUPERMAN!"

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